MY STORY & WHY I TALK ABOUT THIS
I have shared this so many times that the task honestly feels daunting. I am going to give you the cliff note versions and please respect that my story involves real people and talking openly about this is only to serve God’s purpose in showing that there is freedom after sexual sin, affairs, and martial separation. The purpose is not to glorify or put “drama” on display to be consumed by nosey readers. 😉 – said in love.
My husband and I have gone through an immense amount of pain during our marriage: 3 miscarriages, loss of jobs, moving across states, conflict within the family unit (in-laws and such), our oldest daughter being misdiagnosed and then having to have 3 major surgeries (she’s still not done), the stress of being in the ministry (yes, this is a VERY real thing), my husband spent a year on the road where we only saw him for 2 days every 5 weeks (this was the beginning of us growing very far apart), outside sexual abuse occurred, and this list could go on and on.
No amount of pain is excuse for delving into sexual sin or any sin but I am just laying the groundwork for you.
We decided to separate and did so for 9 months. During that time, unwisely, we both agreed that before God we were no longer married and it was only a matter of making that legal before the state. And we agreed to see other people. I had met and after that agreement, started dating a man long distance for four months. I went and visited him in New York for a week, which my husband even paid for, and had sex with my boyfriend. We don’t need to go into those details.
Coming out of that and reuniting with my husband, it has been a long and rollercoaster road. Through those earlier months of separation I began delving into pornography and masturbation. This became an addiction in my life.
Years have passed and through repentance and continual discipline when tempted with these sins resurfacing, I have had great victory over these things. My marriage has been healed in so many ways but we are in intense martial counseling to help work through a lot of the hurt we endured and never properly dealt with.
Again, I ONLY openly share this because I want women to know that they are not alone if they struggle with sexual sins. Sexual sins, lust, and masturbation are NOT “male sins.” This is a ridiculous, unBiblical, and false teaching. And I want couples to be encouraged that if we stay focused on God and obeying Him through our love for Him, we can come back from very very very dark places, hurt, and sin. JESUS CAN SET US FREE FROM EVERYTHING!
There is no sin too big for His grace to cover.
BIBLE STUDY ON SEXUAL SIN
It’s time consuming but time isn’t something that should be a concern sweet friend, I am encouraging you to print out the 100 verses and mark each and every one of them into your Bible. I personally use “SS” in red and circled next to these verses so I can easily read and know that it’s a verse concerning sexual sin or being freed from sin.
above is a link to DESIRING GOD ministries. I love John Piper and think he has so many great things to say about the Biblical views on sexual immorality. Disclaimer: John Piper is a Calvinist and I am not, so please just keep that in mind when reading his articles. 🙂
This is HUGE. If you have participated in sexual sin: either online, by lusting, by having an emotional affair, having a physical affair, fantasizing, masturbating, etc. then I IMPLORE you to first make sure you’ve read what the Bible says about sexual sin and how VERY SERIOUS it is. Secondly, I ask for you to examine yourself. Are you truly sorry for the sin or are you afraid of the consequences of your sin being exposed. If you’re more afraid of potential consequences, I would continue to read in the Bible about sexual sin (verses linked above) and how deathly serious this is to God and your eternity. Thirdly, you need to repent and ask Jesus to cleanse you from it ALL. This involves confessing these sins. Write them ALL down if you have too. Name names if you have sinned with another person: in mind or in the physical. Jesus promises to forgive us and set us free from ALL unrighteousness. Once you’ve repented you need to put up spiritual boundaries. Unfriend or block any person you have committed these sins with that would continue to tempt you to go back to sinning. Stop watching movies and tv shows that have inappropriate, sin-glorifying content, do not listen to sensual music, and do not engage in conversations that will get you thinking about such evil things (unless you’re talking about these things in a Biblical setting to further Holiness.)
If having sex with your spouse triggers inappropriate fantasizing and thoughts, PRAY. Talk to your spouse about it and PRAY. Yes, even during sex, PRAY.
If masturbation is a struggle for you, CHANGE POSITIONS. By this I mean, do not go lay in your bed alone. Go to the living room, go outside, go be with people. In the shower, play worship music and pray. Do not have your phone right there alone where the temptation may rise and it may be harder to say NO to the desire. GET UP. MOVE. LEAVE THE HOUSE. Do whatever it takes to cut off the temptation and act being able to take place. Don’t get on your computer to surf the web if you’re alone. Put on adult porn blockers if you need too. Have your spouse involved in the accountability process.
One of the most healing and helpful things in my marriage is that Jacob, my husband, came alongside me and saw the issue not as sin against HIM but against GOD. He didn’t judge me, even though YES my actions have hurt him greatly. He has loved me in Christ more than he has loved me as his wife and has led me to cling to the Spirit over my flesh. We have honest communication about when I am tempted, we pray about it together, and it allows me to have the accountability without the fear of rejection and judgement if I have messed up or felt tempted. But I’ll tell you friends, I haven’t fallen back into those sins in months and it is because Jesus has given me new desires and I no longer see sexual sin as enticing but completely DESTRUCTIVE and WAR WAGING on my very soul.
Jesus WILL replace our desires. We MUST MUST MUST be in a DAILY: HOURLY: MINUTE-BY-MINUTE relationship with Him AND be in the WORD OF GOD: reading it, studying it, applying it. We need to surround ourselves with like-minded believers for edification and accountability. We need to be seeing spending time with non-believers as a mission field and not a play ground.