My Body Positive Journey

My highest weight was 267 lbs.

I am 5’4.

I have struggled with my body since I was in middle school.

It started with insecurities with my large nose and then to my stomach, my thighs, my arms, my butt…I was never thin enough, even when I was.

I spent my young adult life obsessing over my body which only led to weight gain, depression, and self-hatred.

I wore a mask, covering my pain and pretending to be confident in my skin. Inside I was drowning.

In 2013, I had enough with my insecurities that I started my journey with bulimia. I lost 60 lbs. in 4 months and the compliments about how good I looked only pushed me to continue purging my food.

With my husbands help and some Jesus willpower, I was able to stop being bulimic and ended up gaining all my weight back and more.

Today I am in my early 30s and the heaviest I have ever been.

I am also the happiest and healthiest I have ever been.

I had a wake up moment where I realized that when I got to the end of my life I wouldn’t be thinking about how skinny I was but how many memories I made with my family and friends.

At my funeral no one would stand up and say “She was real chubby.” or “Wow she had a flat tummy!”

I realized I had allowed these insecurities to rob me of life. Literally.

I was never the mom in the photo. I never wanted to leave the house. I hadn’t been swimming or to the beach in over a decade. I stopped living. I stopped having fun. I stopped trying new things.

It wasn’t my weight that was holding me back. Nope. It was my insecurities. 

I am going on a year of this journey and healing from toxic diet culture behaviors.

It is only because I have spent months and months recovering that I am able to start tackling my weight and health.

Let me make some things super clear first:

  • I am anti-Diet Culture. I do not believe that being skinny is the better option. I believe all humans are naturally shaped differently and all sizes are worthy of respect and acceptance.
  • I believe my body at 267 lbs. is just as lovely as it would be at 120 lbs. Our bodies do NOT define our worth, beauty, or value.
  • I believe in Health at EVERY Size!!! Skinny people are not necessarily healthy just because they’re small. Big people are not necessarily unhealthy just because they’re bigger.
  • Any weight loss that happens with my body is for better movement, overall health and wellness, and care for myself.
  • I do not have a goal size in mind that I am trying to reach. Again, I do not believe a smaller me is a better me.
  • Any weight loss that happens with my body is not about APPEARANCE but wellness.
  • I want to FEEL better and not worries about LOOKING better.

I have also shared my story with my anxiety medication and the 26 lb. weight gain I’ve had since taking the medicine. I have also been very open about my chronic illness “Interstitial Cystitis” and how I have to change my diet in order to manage my symptoms.

These things definitely are huge contributors in my lifestyle.

The IC diet is extremely restrictive because women who have IC are majorly effected by the food they eat. After doing a lot of research I decided to start the Keto diet in order to help with my chronic illness.

I understand weight loss may result because of my new diet but I am not doing it for weight loss. I am doing it to help my symptoms. There is no cure for IC.

Where I am working on weight loss is with my exercise.

Ive talked about how my large tummy gets in the way of my movement. It causes horrible skin rashes. My stretch marks have even stretched so far that I have encountered bleeding. I want to live my best life and the fat around my tummy is hindering basic movement. I have to ask my husband to help buckle my heel straps because I can’t bend down all the way.

So I am not trying to lose weight because I think large tummies are gross and I want to hide mine from the world. I want to be able to MOVE and LIVE FREELY.

There are A LOT of people out there declaring that you cannot be truly body positive and lose weight.

That is ridiculous and just another body image bullying tactic.

Women should be free to take care of their bodies as they need to.

I do NOT agree with Diet Culture but I also do not believe women should HAVE to stay large in order to stay in the bopo community.

That’s not right.

I believe a huge part of being Body Positive is taking care of your body. Me having raw and bleeding skin because of my fat is not respecting my body. It’s just not.

So this is where I am friends.

I want you to LOVE AND EMBRACE your body at EVERY SIZE!

Don’t give in to society’s standards and hide yourself anymore.

Your body is AWESOME and you shouldn’t have to change it in order to be accepted!

Life is too short not to live it to the fullest.

So lets be more concerned with living large than being large!

UPDATE: 1/6/2019 

Same Jeans.

So, I wanted to give an update. I’ve lost 41 lbs. and I am feeling SOOO much better, truly!!!!

I am not so much into the “looking better” because, well…y’all know how I feel about that. I looked good 41 lbs ago! haha! But truly, my energy has increased, I am sleeping better, and my chronic illness symptoms haven’t been so bad.

I am going to keep going with my food elimination diet (basically “dirty keto”, no calorie counting or anything like that.) and continue to workout.