Baby(s) in Heaven

What words of comfort can ease the weighted ache of losing a child? There are none. When I close my eyes and think about my three babies that I only ever held in my womb, never in my arms, it causes me to physically hurt. The pain is very real and no amount of time changes that.

A lifetime of dreams for your new child, your family, and you get wiped out in just minutes…seconds even. Every exciting thought for the future is obliterated when it was once a tangible reality.

Baby is just gone.

For all three children, there was no body to bury or hold in my hands and arms, it was just over. After weeks of bleeding and pain and trauma.

No closure. No visible display of life to mourn over. Only death, loss, a grief that people can’t understand because there’s nothing to see. You are simply empty. Sometimes forgotten, looked over, expected to get back to normalcy…

“But my baby has died.”

Is anyone listening?

“MY BABIES HAVE DIED!!!!!!!!”

My babies are gone.

How can you ever be normal after that?

Heartbeats. Three of them. Three individual hearts that were once beating inside me are no longer beating or growing. They’ve been silenced.

Is anyone taking this loss, these losses, seriously?

Sometimes it’s just so lonely. You carry around this grief that just pops up day to day. You can be fine and then see a onsie in Target and it hits your heart like the stabbing of a sharp blade. You’ll be fine and then someone will ask why you didn’t have more children. Yes, this happens. You’ll be fine and then you’ll start to think about the life that almost was and now is not.

Every friend’s birth announcement reminds you of your loss.

Maybe it’s not like this with every Mama who has experienced loss but I know it is with me.

My first miscarriage was 10 years ago, our little Jamie and my latest one was 3 years ago, our little Magnolia. In between them was Shiloh, who we lost in 2012.

I miss them.

Like, I MISS THEM…HARD.

There are no words to soothe this loss. It just is. But there is comfort and it’s knowing that my babies are with Jesus and I WILL see them someday.

And they will know me and I am going to know them. I imagine us running to one another and just gripping each other in the biggest family bear hug ever!

I am their Mother. I was their first home. Heaven is our everlasting home.

There are no words to soothe but there are words to encourage.

Mama’s, losing a baby is one of the hardest things on the planet to go through. Your pain cannot be taken away but hope can overwhelm the ache and joy can be felt, truly...deep joy.

My children are ALIVE!!!! They are alive right now and I believe they’re with the Saints cheering us all on. Cheering me, their Daddy, their sisters on from Heaven, to run the race, to follow Christ on that narrow road.

That is why I can smile when thinking about my babies. They’re right where they need to be and someday I’ll join them.

If you’re a Mama of Babies in Heaven, I feel the pain too, and I want to wish you the Happiest of upcoming Mother’s Days for you and EVERY child you’ve ever held in your womb, beginning at conception.