I’d first like to say that I am not a Dr. and am in no way an expert on depression. I can only share my own story, from my perspective, and my experience. My goal is to not only open up a part of my life that affects my own body positivity but to also encourage anyone else struggling.
So, I could go deeply into my story and turn this post into a small book but to keep this on the short side, I’m going to try to just hit you with just the facts.
I started gaining weight in college. I was dealing with depression but I didn’t recognize how deep I was into it. My roommate played volleyball and would leave for away games and I would order an XL Brooklyn Style Domino’s Pepperoni pizza, brownies, and two 2-liters and sit in my room, door locked, and eat all of it.
I just had to take a deep breath. It’s hard to admit that but it’s even harder to just remember it.
Food was my drug of choice. It was like a friend and a comfort. I would get food and go back to my dorm room, turn the lights off, and eat in the dark. I guess maybe I didn’t want to see how much I was eating. I’d turn on an episode of FRIENDS and just eat and eat.
I went from 145 lbs. to 190 lbs. in a year.
The reasons behind my depression at that time is really unnecessary to share. I feel like people want you to have some kind of extreme trauma to justify why you’re depressed. I think it’s important to believe people when they say they’re emotionally and mentally struggling and to take them serious because it IS serious.
Since my early 20’s and for the last decade I yo-yo’d from 200 lbs. – 230 lbs. Add in having children and of course that had an impact on my weight but truly I ate out of desperation to feel and sometimes to stuff away my feelings. YEARS of this kind of behavior and my body has taken a lot of hits. My heart has taken a lot of hits because of my emotional binge eating.
Fast forward a little to after my husband’s and my separation, we renewed our marriage and then I went through another burst of weight gain. I don’t think this was out of any kind of depression but comfort really. I wasn’t focused on my body at all and just ate and ate whatever I wanted, pushing my weight from 205 to 220 lbs. That was an extremely stressful time for me and my family. There was a lot of hurt, pain, and healing to go through. Then a year after my husband and I decided to stay together (AMEN TO THIS. I LOVE YOU JACOB!) I went through my 3rd miscarriage. This was a major trigger for me and I gained another 20 lbs. It was truly one of the most, if not THE most, painful thing I’ve ever gone through. My marital separation and my parents ugly divorce being close 2nd & 3rds.
Last year was the first time I went and saw a Dr. for my anxiety and was put on a medication called Paxil. My anxiety had reached a point where I was having panic attacks and worrying almost uncontrollably.
We prayed about it. I talked my mom and husbands ear off about it. I didn’t want to do it but one night after a big anxiety attack I decided it was time.
Since being on Paxil, I have gained 20 more lbs. Currently weighing 260.
The weight gain is a medication side effect and because of the fact that I still haven’t confronted my eating habits.
You don’t have to be thin to have an eating disorder. I have one and it’s hard to talk about. I appreciate this space to open up.
The Paxil has been amazing helping my anxiety but the side effects are not fun. Specifically the weight gain.
I know that when it comes to my body that I can’t just keep doing what I am doing. I have to do more to combat the medication and help my body be healthy.
I also want to say that I think there’s a misconception with the body positive movement.
I AM NOT PROMOTING OBESITY.
I AM PROMOTING BEAUTY AT EVERY SIZE.
I AM NOT PROMOTING BEING UNHEALTHY.
I AM PROMOTING A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE AND NOT DIET CULTURE.
I AM NOT AGAINST WEIGHT LOSS.
I AM FOR YOUR BODY ADJUSTING APPROPRIATELY TO THE HEALTHY HABITS YOU CREATE. THAT CAN CERTAINLY MEAN WEIGHT LOSS.
I’ve been wrestling with the desire to lose weight because I don’t want people to think I am anti-fat. I’m definitely and 100% not. But again my entire platform is to help women understand that their SIZE is not what makes them beautiful or not. Their SIZE should not keep them in bondage from living a free and abundant life. Society is shallow and thin obsessed and people hurt themselves to achieve this kind of perfection. I want everyone to know that their bodies are precious and that goes for size 0s to the largest size out there.
If you’re fat and unhealthy then I want you to be healthy and make changes. But remember that you cannot look at someone and know if they’re healthy or not based on their size.
So what does this all mean?
Well, I am encouraging anyone to seek help if they are struggling with anxiety and/or depression. It took me over 10 years to be brave enough to see someone. Paxil truly has helped me and there is absolutely NO SHAME in taking medication to help with these things.
Did you hear me fellow Christians? lol. THERE IS NO SHAME IN TAKING MEDICATION.
Get a good Dr. that will listen and know what to prescribe.
I am also wanting to kind of introduce a new part of my blog and that is health and wellness.
I need to be eating nutritious foods and exercising my body. NOT BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE MY APPEARANCE AND AM STRIVING FOR THINNESS but because I am not healthy right now and I need to up my health game to help my body, especially while I am on this medication.
Plus, eating nutritious foods and exercising is SO good for anxiety.
I don’t believe depression is something you choose and it doesn’t mean you’re walking around sad and bummed out even. I don’t think anyone would ever guess that I take medication for this. I’m super bubbly and joyful. I truly love my life.
I’m being treated more for the extreme worry and anxiety I have then depression. But there are others out there who are struggling and you would just never know it.
Jesus has really worked over my heart when it comes to the depression area. He’s healed me in so many ways. He is my champion and I owe Him everything.
But when it comes to health and anxiety…well, I’m working through it. I’m getting better.
I’m not going to follow any kind of diet plan. I am still practicing Intuitive Eating. I just know that I can’t be eating the processed and fried foods that have helped add weight to my body. I have to change what I am eating and continue to work on not eating out of boredom and to deal or not deal with emotions.
I appreciate you reading this and allowing me to share my thoughts.
Take care of yourself and know that overall Jesus loves you so much and desires you to live in freedom. John 10:10.